Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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