On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
