so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
