This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
