So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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