i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
