my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
