$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
