Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
