The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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