I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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