I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
