the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
