a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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