instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
