I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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