There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
