Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
