oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
