i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
