Your dad touched me again.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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