I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
