you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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