the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
