I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
