So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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