The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
