If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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