I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
