Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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