life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
