I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
