I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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