I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
