Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
