It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
