jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
