remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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