What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
