smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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