I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
