My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
