Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
