Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
