why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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