It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
