don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize
