Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
