Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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