Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
